This is my second post on depression. I guess it’s because I struggle with this more than anything else, and tonight was filled with it. I know I do it to myself. I listen to music. Not just any old music, but what I call ‘memory music.’ The tunes I listen to bring back those memories of my past. My sad past.

Although taking medication for depression makes it much better for me, it doesn’t help to know that I also can’t ‘feel’ very much while taking these drugs. So when I want to ‘feel’ something, I have to listen to music. It brings out those sad feelings. And I like it because it makes me ‘feel’ something!! Does that make sense?

Mostly, I get upset about my children. I love them each as much as any mother could love her child. My oldest, who I will call Mark, has autism. He was a special kind of hurt in my life. The child who never really ‘got it.’ There was only one time in my life to this point, where he actually hugged me.

It was just after he got upset with me and knocked me down (he is VERY strong.) I was so shocked that he had done that, that I nearly cried. My other two children had been in the room at the same time and started yelling at him. It was an awful moment. The story is much longer than I can write here, but suffice it to say, his dad, my ex, had a lot to do with why Mark got so upset in the first place.

Anyway, I listened to music tonight that reminded me of how much I miss him. I miss not just him as he is now, but as he might have been without autism. I wonder what kind of man he would have turned out to be if he had been ‘normal.’ His father and stepmother (aka: stepmonster) is watching out for him now. Sadly, I haven’t seen him in 11+ years.

I miss all my children when they were small. They are all grown now and on their own, and I love them all. While I was a really good mom (I still am), the constant fighting with their dad and his wife made those years go by so fast with my kids right in the middle.

It’s also a sign now that I’m getting older…yet another struggle I want to write about in the future.

Yes, God brought me out of a lot of that depression and tomorrow is another day. I’m so glad that God allows me these times of reflection, but doesn’t let me stay here too long. I love my music and love that it makes me ‘feel.’ God bless music!

Until my next post, God bless you!