As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs (see my post list of titles to read), my eldest son was disabled with autism. There has been a lot of ads for support of autism of late on the television and internet, but back when my son was young, in the very early 90’s, there wasn’t a whole lot of information out there about this disease. In fact, when old enough to attend kindergarten, my son was the very first child they had with autism. And because of that there were even more struggles in my life.

In essence, I had to not only train myself and the counselors we hired, but on top of that I had to take on the county school board for the proper treatment and education for my son. I had to teach the teachers. I have to say they were exceptionally nice and willing to train my son. With the processes I showed them they taught him to read and write. And when he got home, he would read and write on our computer which was soooo animated looking back, but oh so helpful.

Our method of teaching him to read was by example and computer games. He loved the computer and at that time we used CD books such as The Little Critters children’s books where you could play with the pages and listen to the narration. It was great because what he would do is take the physical paperback book which came with the CD and write the page numbers and comments in the book. It was truly a wonderful thing.

That’s not to say times weren’t hard. We used the computer as a reward for good behavior too, because all was not well most of the time. My son spent many hours outside, even in the cold, in the backyard swinging on our swing set. It was due to a sensory issue that it ‘felt good’ to him to swing. So, when he’d have enough of that he would come inside and want to watch videos. We let him watch because many of the videos we had included songs. Singing was a great way to communicate with him since he had a hard time with that.

I say all this simply to let you know that although most of the time we didn’t know what we were doing, we learned as we went. Being the stay at home mom I received the brunt of most everything. My then husband stayed at work probably longer than he had to as to avoid having to help me with the kids.

And it’s not like I couldn’t handle my kids, but after a while, the strain of having a disabled child who NEVER called me mom, nor hugged me, nor ever talked to me began to takes its toll. Add to that two more children, although wonderful, were also young and needed their mom. And then add to that the sibling rivalry between these 3 children. The oldest being very physical and sometimes abusive, and the other two trying to deal with their brother. It was very, very hard. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

There were times when I couldn’t take it anymore and needed some time away, even just a day or two would help and it was then that I would either go to a hotel (not often though because we couldn’t afford it) while I allowed my husband to take care of the kids or I would go to my sister’s house for a little respite.

I remember one time when I was so depressed I couldn’t think straight and I was in desperate need of help when I went to spend the weekend with my sister who lived 70 miles away. She ALWAYS welcomed me with open arms (still does) and let me cry on her shoulders. But this one weekend I was really, really not doing well and so she decided to take me out to eat. She took me to a steak house, but I couldn’t eat, so then she thought we should go shopping. Shopping?? What was that? I hadn’t been in a mall in years much less bought myself anything of value.

I was in a fog and we were in a department store. I can’t remember the name of the store, but she stopped at the jewelry counter. I couldn’t remember the last time I bought myself a pair of earrings or necklace. I guess it was when I was single. It had been probably 7-8 years. Well, my sister pulled a necklace off the little rack and gave it to me to look at. I held it and immediately looked at the price tag. It was $16. I was in shock. I could never afford to pay that kind of money on myself. It was just a simple gold chain, but that was a lot of money to me and I told her I couldn’t buy it.

She called the sales lady over and told her she wanted it and paid the lady. She then gave it to me. I broke down in tears. It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me in so long I couldn’t believe it.

Now, you may think that’s stupid of me to cry over a stupid $16 necklace, but let me tell you, I was so very depressed I was nearly suicidal…and my sister knew it. I later told her how awful my husband had been treating me and how I constantly lived on pins and needles, because I never knew what was going to happen next. Was my son going to run out of the house in the middle of the night? Was he going to poop in the back yard again? Was he going to walk outside naked? Was he going to invite himself into someone’s house? I just never knew…and yes, he had already done all these things. And he was only 5.

I’m no expert on depression, other than I suffer from it, but if you or someone you know has depression and is stuck in a situation similar to mine, know that this person could use some respite. If you are the one who needs it, get someone to handle your issues while you take some time to yourself.

If you know someone with depression who could use your help, reach out to them and take them shopping or take them out to eat. Or just stop by and let them know you’re thinking of them and ask them what they need. You might be surprised to find out they just need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. Let them know you are interested in them and their situation. When you’re depressed, just having someone in your corner is a big deal to them.

Until next time, God bless you.