A couple years after getting married to the wrong man (see my post on “A Bad Marriage”) we had our first child, a boy. Although he was a little small, 6lb, 6oz, he was perfectly normal, or at least we thought he was. At age 18 months, he appropriately started speaking one to two syllable words such as Mama, Dada, apple, bottle, etc…

But we noticed six months later he was no longer saying these words and in fact stopped speaking altogether. It was my sister, a teacher by profession, who finally alerted me to signs she had noticed and said to me that she believed my son, I’ll call him Mark, had autism.

I knew nothing about autism. I just knew that Mark was different. He didn’t speak. He didn’t look anyone in the eyes and he didn’t play with other children. After a lot of research and doctor appointments, Mark was finally diagnosed with Developmental Delay with Autistic tendencies. This was during a time when no one was diagnosed with ‘autism.’ But nevertheless, that’s what it was, and still is.

Needless to say, I was devastated. Mark had to be taught all the things most parents take for granted; like talking and playing. My faith was shaken to the core. How could a loving God give me a disabled child? Even my sister questioned it. However, she believed that a child such as Mark should have been given to a better mom; someone who was trained for it.

Then, on top of all the trouble we had, such as Mark running down the street and going into stranger’s homes, going ‘potty’ outside in the back yard, and deciding one day to jump into a lake fully clothed, I had to bare the words of my father who said he was a “lost child” and that I should give him away and let the State take him to live in an institution.

My life was a total mess. Mark was so difficult to raise, and then what did I do, but turn around and have two more children. Thank the Lord He allowed them to be ‘normal.’ But even so, it was more for me to take on and I was going nuts as it was. My husband was not a ‘take charge’ person and I felt as though I had to be the strong one. I wanted to give up so many times. I cried and cried. I started reading books on why God would allow this to happen to a relatively good person.

What I learned in that time was this. God doesn’t make trouble for people, but He allows it to happen. He knows our path and waits for us to reach out to Him so He can help us. He wants what’s best for us and although I did not see the plan then, I see it now. I did keep my faith in Him, although shaky at times and He eventually pulled me out of the despair and heartache.

Mark now lives with his father (we’re now divorced) and stepmother in another state. I have not seen Mark in many years and it saddens me a lot. I have seen pictures of him a couple of times and have had the opportunity to hear his voice, but sadly he has been turned against me by his father and stepmother. I miss him terribly, but I know he lives in his own little ‘world’ in his mind and is happy there.

I could write a book on this topic alone, as there were so many things that happened during that time that would take another lifetime to write about. I will say those years when Mark was growing up were really tough times. “I would have lost heart if I hadn’t believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalms 27:13.

My personal advice to anyone who is blessed with a disabled child? I know it’s very, very hard. Surround yourself with people who love you and are willing to help you, not criticize. Then, learn as much as you can about your child’s disease and learn your child’s needs. Give them what they need and mostly, give yourself respite and calmness to get through the rough times. Lastly, if you’re a praying person, pray to God and ask Him to help you. He will.

I would like to take this time to thank members of my family, and friends, you know who you are, who helped me a lot during those rough years. I can’t thank you enough.

Until my next post, God bless you.

If I remember correctly, it was about two hours after I got married to my first husband that I knew I had made a mistake. Why then? Well, it’s like this. I was living behind ‘rose colored glasses.’ I just thought it was what I was supposed to do. The church where we met did not believe in kissing, or even hugging, prior to marriage. All we could do was hold hands.

For the honeymoon, he took me on a Civil War tour in Virginia. After all, Virginia is for Lovers…yeah right! What a disaster. He had no thought of what I would have liked to do for our honeymoon. It was all about him.

It would have been better for me to stop the marriage at that time early on, but being the good Christian person that I was, I decided to make a go of it. I was committed, come hell or high water.

Well, that’s exactly what happened. Our first child ended up being disabled with Autism. Years of training, hurt and pain came with him. Don’t get me wrong. I love my son, but the toll it put on me and our family was a nightmare.

I had two more children after that. Why, you ask? It was what I was supposed to do. Do I regret it? No, not one bit. Was it hard? Was it a struggle? You bet it was. So much so, that I ended up clinically depressed, nearly having a nervous breakdown.

My husband, was no help at all; taking no control over anything. He got fired from several jobs and ‘forgot’ to tell me about it. And I was told he was a ‘flasher’ at one of the jobs he worked at. Now isn’t that a pleasant thought (sorry for my sarcasm…it’s one of my coping mechanisms.)

It just went from bad to worse. I didn’t know him. He didn’t know me. We were involved in a cultish church which I desperately wanted to leave, but my husband couldn’t understand why. He allowed another church to cut locks of hair from my children so they could be baptized, and that was the final ‘straw.’

I finally asked for a divorce. Little did I know what was ahead of me. If I had known what I was going to be up against, I might have stayed in the marriage. But God had bigger plans for me.

Although I finally got out of the marriage, I made a whole other problem start. And that was the divorce. At first, things went okay. My ex-husband was actually nice about the whole thing. But then he met who I like to call the wicked witch of the west. Or, in other words, Satan’s spawn. Or, if you go by the Family Court Judge’s rendition, she was known as the “stepmonster.” Yes, she was, and still is, that bad.

I don’t want to forget the title of this post, “A Bad Marriage,” so let me jump back to that. I was married for 12 years. It was heartbreaking really to state the obvious. Breaking free was what I really needed, but I felt very guilty in making the move to leave my husband. Not because I didn’t deserve it, but because I had always been taught to stick it out. That divorce was wrong and I should do all in my power to stay. And most of all, God doesn’t like divorce.

What I’ve learned since that time is that it was okay to leave my husband. Jesus knew it was a bad marriage and I didn’t need to be there. Sometimes it’s just that way. We need to be somewhere else, or with someone else. And that’s what I needed. I didn’t know how it was going to work out, but I believe God literally brought me out of that marriage so that He could bless me in a different way. And I’m so glad He did.

My children are all grown now, but not without some hardships. They may need some therapy , but they will be stronger for all the things they’ve had to endure. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but how does that song go, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?’ (Kelly Clarkson) I believe that!!

Jesus is a good God. He doesn’t expect us to stay in a situation that’s totally unreasonable. If we make a mistake, we should be quick to admit it and correct it. Sadly, I waited way too long and things only got worse.

I’m not a counselor and I’m certainly not God, but if you’re in a situation that needs correcting, I would recommend fixing or changing your situation as soon as you can. Things may not come out the way you figure they will, but at least you gave it your best shot and you love yourself enough to know when it’s time to move on.

Until my next post, God bless you.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve questioned what on earth I am doing on this earth. What are we all supposed to be doing? Are we just supposed to grow up and become a doctor, teacher, programmer, clerical worker, or whatever? What then? Do we just fill some shoes for a while and then retire and wait to die?

Well, if that’s not boring I don’t know what is. I think often times I get stuck in a rut of doing the same thing every day. I get up, go to work, come home, watch some tv, and go to bed. I repeat that process five times during the week and then the weekend comes. I’m not sure about others, but I get in a rut on the weekends too.

I’m just not seeing the purpose of it all. Or at least I wasn’t for many years. I’ve read the Bible and I love God, but even with that I found it difficult to know what my true purpose was. It wasn’t until this very same month back in 2002 that Jesus started speaking to me in my dreams, or I should say, while I slept.

I know. Call me crazy. But really, if Jesus spoke to you wouldn’t you listen? And one step further, wouldn’t you want to know what He has to say? I sure do. Well, with all this boredom in the routine of ‘life,’ I asked Jesus what my purpose was. Know what He said? To love those around me AND to love myself (and Him too, of course.)

Is that it? That’s all there is to purpose? I thought at the time this couldn’t be all there was. But, as it turns out, it’s certainly a much harder calling than I had anticipated. Loving others is… well… hard!! Caring about others and sharing with others use to come easy for me. But now, I’m rather selfish at best and find it difficult to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I blame most of my current habits on a bad marriage and a very ugly divorce which lasted longer than the marriage. Yes, that’s the truth. What a chore all that was. I will be writing about it in my next post.

But until my next post, suffice it to say, I think if we were all honest with ourselves, it’s at least a little hard for all of us to love others. It takes practice and a lot of prayer, in my opinion. I believe it’s God’s calling for all of us to love others as we would love ourselves. So, stay true to those you love and, well, those you’re trying to love. I’m sure God is pleased with all of our efforts to be like Him.

Until my next post, God bless you.

I’m not sure why, but every now and then I get the feeling that perhaps part of my problem is that I’m afraid of being happy. After all, it’s unknown territory. Being happy has been far and few between in my life. I can remember only two specific times where I was truly happy, and neither one of them lasted for more than a few minutes, if that.

So why is it that maybe some of us have such a hard time dealing with happiness. Isn’t ‘the pursuit of happiness’ what we all do? Where do we find it? What will it look like when we finally do find it?

I think we’re afraid because we don’t know how to act. Maybe we are so set in our unhappy state that we’re afraid to change; that it might be too hard to ‘let go.’ I believe that’s probably the case. I’m so bound up in feeling the way I do, that venturing out to feel something different may ‘stun’ me somehow, or make me act in an unbecoming way that’s different from how I usually act.

Whatever the reason, no matter the places or circumstances, I believe we all need to ‘break free’ of our unhappy ways. Take a chance and ‘be’ happy with whatever circumstance you are in. There’s always something to be grateful (happy) for, even in the worst of circumstances. How about that God loves you!! There’s a great reason to be happy.

Of all the stuff we do that’s wrong or stupid, and all the ways we keep ourselves from truly being happy and grateful, knowing God loves us is one really good reason to be happy. Because God loves us, we should be seeking after Him knowing that He WILL reach out to us somehow and let us know what we need to know.

Case in point: For me, Jesus speaks to me in my dreams. He spoke with me last night and told me that a job I’m seeking could be mine if I really want it, but it’s in a different state. I told Him I really wanted the job, but that I was scared to move. After all, I’ve lived where I am for many years now and find it difficult to change. Or better said; I’m ‘afraid’ of being happy somewhere else. Jesus said they were interested in me, so I’ll let you know if they call me and discuss an offer.

I want you to know that Jesus does talk to us and if we are willing to listen, He only wants us to be happy and be in a relationship with Him. Yes, He has a purpose for us here on earth, but sometimes those things are unknown to us, at least for a time. And they could be as simple as “just be happy and let others know that God loves them.”

Until my next post, God bless you.

Millions of people suffer from this dreaded disease, including me. I have to say that I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been depressed. Being ‘happy’ has always been a struggle for me.

It wasn’t until after having my third child that I finally sought professional help with my depression. First I went to see a psychologist who gave me a diagnosis of depression, and then I went to see a psychiatrist to be put on medication to help get my depression under control. And when I say ‘under control,’ I mean not staying in bed all day or crying my eyes out over nothing.

My first advice to anyone suffering from depression would be to seek help as I did. I’m not someone who advocates popping pills at a moment’s notice, but depression is truly a disease which merits looking into getting some medication. The bad part about this is finding the right medication. There are so many that do different things, chemically, in the body that it takes time to find the one that fits best for you. This is where having a really good psychiatrist comes in handy.

The second thing I would advice is to go to counseling. I did, and it helped me tremendously. Just talking about why we are depressed can help us get through some of those really rough times. You can Google counselors in your area, or you might ask your primary physician if he/she can recommend someone for you.

Third, I recommend exercising, even a little bit. It helps burn off that energy that might otherwise be spent on feeling sorry for ourselves. And let’s face it, it’s so easy to have a pity party when we’re in the throws of depression. So take a walk around the block, go swimming at your local fitness center or just vacuum your floors! Doing anything physical is the key.

I also have to say that now that I’m writing, I can add a fourth solution to this list. I recommend highly finding a hobby that you enjoy doing, and then doing it. There may be obstacles in the way for you to do whatever it is that makes you happy, but do your best to find that certain something that brings joy to your heart.

For a long time the only thing that brought me any kind of solace was to sit down with a good cup of coffee and then just think about stuff. It was ‘my’ time of the day. And even though it lasted only a few minutes, it was something. So to start, it doesn’t need to be this huge thing that makes you happy. It could be a cup of coffee, reading your favorite book, watching a television show or something else.

Now, I enjoy writing and hopefully with this writing I might possibly help someone. This helps me so much that I can honestly say I wish I had started sooner. Some suggestions for you would be walking in the park, fishing, boating, going to the pet store to pet some puppies or kittens, seeing a good movie, looking at really fun pictures (I find myself doing this on the internet at times) or even taking a vacation to your favorite spot.

Depression is not easy to live with, as you may know, but knowing what steps can be taken to overcome it is a great start. There’s a lot of literature out there that you can read on depression and I advise you read as much as you can to come to your own conclusions. I’ve written here what I did and what worked for me.

I hope you have a blessed day or night and if you suffer from depression (and you might be if you’re reading this) I hope you are able to find a little bit of joy in this time.

Until my next post, God bless you.

My name is Nancy and this is my blog. My life has been one struggle after another and so I decided my calling in life is to share my experiences and hopefully help those who are going through similar issues. I also want to share some interesting things that have happened in my life that’s changed my world.

Why did I name my domain ‘crackingsilence’ you ask? I’ve always been the silent one in my family. I sat in the background. I tried not to cause trouble; stayed to myself and never voiced my opinion (mostly because no one ever asked me to.) So now I’m breaking that silence. I’m spilling it all out there for the entire world to see…so….

Have you ever been in a bad marriage? What about a divorce that could become a John Grissom novel? No? Well, what about depression, or having a handicapped child? Ring any bells yet? Toying with suicide? Drinking?

I’ve been through all of it. And on top of all that, there’s a very special Someone who came into my life in 2002. He has come to me in my dreams as though He were sitting right next to me. He lifts me up. He scolds me (but with a lot of compassion). He has also told me things about the past, present and future. His name of course you know is Jesus. Don’t call me crazy yet. It is obviously a HUGE occurrence in my life and I want to share what He has told me and my husband about the world and specific people.

So, I will start this post by telling you something about Jesus. He’s kind, loving, fierce, jealous and very, very real. He is alive and is in heaven, but he is also everywhere here on earth. He watches most everything. He cannot allow his eyes to see evil, but at the same time knows of it and hates it. He knows the hearts of us all. He knows those who have a total black heart and those with partial black hearts. And kind of like our fictitious Santa, he knows who’s bad and who’s good. I’m sure everyone knows all that already if you’ve read the Bible. And there’s so, so much more to tell.

But let’s start at the beginning. When was that? Well, it starts in 1959. I was the fourth girl born into my family. I had 3 older sisters when I started out. I knew from a very young age that I was different. I never quite fit in. To start, I was always the little fat girl. I was always overweight.

So, at an early age I already had a struggle I would continue to have for my entire life; being overweight. Only once in my life did I get a handle on it and lost a bunch of weight. It was what allowed me to attract my first husband. It was also the start of another major struggle in my life; being married to the wrong man. It was a nightmare.

And that brings me to a very nasty divorce. Another struggle that lasted for years!!! I’m so glad it’s over now, but when I was going through it, well, let’s just say I never cried so much or hated so much in my life.

One more thing I wanted to say is that I will not be using real names in this blog when discussing personal issues that involve others.

Whether you’re a male or female, we all have our troubles, but I would like to leave you with some encouraging words. Another day brings new mercies from heaven. Bank on the love God has for you. He WANTS you to succeed and be the good person you want to be. He is always here watching and routing for you. He does care.

Until my next post, God bless you.